i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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