I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
