I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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