saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
