If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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