the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
