You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
