she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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