dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
