Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
