At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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