I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
