the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
