I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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