I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
