Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
