He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
