I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
