have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
