fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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