i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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