Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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