Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
