I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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