I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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