He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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