I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
