i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
