So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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