Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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