My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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