I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I checked into jail on foursquare
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
