my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
