Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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