Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
