Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Come share oat with me in your robe
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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