There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
