Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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