Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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