When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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