I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
