i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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