They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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