I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
