Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
