I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
