I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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