Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
