I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
