omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
