Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
