Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
